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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Status Updates for Moms

Lately, I've been noticing some trends. Specifically, I've noticed a few trends amongst my momma friends on Facebook. I was making myself laugh just thinking about it, so I figured I ought to write it down for you. Tell me if it's true for your momma friends!

There are some basic categories into which mom statuses fall.

First and foremost, the Emotional Outburst. These statuses are posted by moms gone wild. These moms are ready to completely lose it on their children (or maybe they already did), and just need SOMEONE to know about it. You've seen these, right? "Sally Smith is about to drop these kids off at the nearest foster home!" You know (or hope) Sally is exaggerating, and is mid meltdown, but if you start seeing a slew of these without the followup repentant update, you should take a drive on down to Sally's house to make sure she hasn't tried to drown herself in the dishwasher. I should also point out that the Emotional Outburst can also sometimes be directed at the spouse, pets, chores, or nowhere at all. I consider the emotional outburst to be a mom's free therapy session. She generally gets feedback from other moms who sympathize, have ripped a few hairs out of their own heads, and maybe even found themselves locked inside a dishwasher on a foolhardy mission.

Next up, the Repentance. This generally comes anywhere from minutes to hours after the Emotional Outburst, specifically if and when the mom realizes that DCF could interpret her status quite literally and come try to take her babies away. NO!!! "Sally Smith has it rough sometimes, but she LOOOOVVVES her babies SOOOO much and is learning to be much better by being their momma." Again, if your momma friend fails to follow the Emotional Outburst with the Repentance, check on her.

The next general trend I've noticed is what I like to call the Foodie. You know more about this family's diet than you do about your own. You know what they had for breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner. You know what mom is craving, where she hides her goodies from the kids, and the exact number of calories she takes in on a daily basis. I have two specific momma friends who are all about the Foodie. If I ever have trouble planning a menu, I simply scroll back through their pages for ideas. Thanks girls!

Oh, the Chore Updater. "Sally Smith has a pile of laundry bigger than her head." "Sally Smith has put up two loads of laundry, but has ten more to go." "Sally Smith needs to grocery shop." "Sally Smith needs to do the dishes." My guess is that Chore Updaters are accomplishing two things with these statuses. First, it is therapeutic, i.e., the Emotional Outburst. Second, it creates internet accountability to actually get it done. I've seen it in action. One of those momma friends is gonna come ask later if you've gotten that laundry put away.

One of the most entertaining status themes is what I call the Snark. This is an opportunity for a mom to share her superior parenting choices, passive-aggressively dealing with issues with all the moms who handle it differently. There is the rare occasion when a Snark is genuinely benign and becomes a firestorm. This is rare though. Odds are good if one of your friends has recently posted an article or note on the subject, this status update is in direct response to said article. Here's my example. "Sally Smith just loves having her babies in the bed with her, knowing they are warm and safe." (Again, it is possible this was totally benign, unless someone has recently posted an anti-cosleeping article.) Lots of moms will probably respond to the actual status, but what's more fun is when this happens. "Sally Smith just loves having her babies in the bed with her, knowing they are safe and warm." "Jane Johnson just loves having her babies safe in their own beds at night, not having to fear they will be suffocated." hahah! It's fun to watch the back and forth of this. This is one of the most entertaining parts of Facebook.... passive-aggressive arguments via status update.

So, I admit that I am sometimes guilty of this one. The Couponer. By the way, I went to Publix today. I spent $49 and saved $109. Honestly, part of me would like to share my savings every single week cause it's so awesome, but I know you don't care, so I really, really try to spare you the details! The Couponer friends are great resources though. They tend to know the best deals on everything and can point you in the right direction. They LOVE saving money and want everyone else to have the same success and not be defeated by the hard work of the task. (This entire paragraph has been a true confession of Jennifer Richardson.)

I am also guilty of this next one. Kid Funnies. What can I say? I've got a funny kid. I laugh at your Kid Funnies too, and I definitely prefer those to the Emotional Outbursts. :)

The Honor Roll Bumper Stickers. This category encompasses all the things that make us proud of our little people. We've just got to tell the world.

Finally, the NonUpdater. These gals are good moms. They are busy, emotionally well adjusted, don't care what your status says, and therefore realize that you don't care what their status says. Hence, no updates.

So, did I get them all?

If thinking about your next status update, I hope this has given you some inspiration! This has been a mockery of we dorky moms on Facebook. Just some sarcastic joking. Please don't feel the need to Snark me about it. :)

4 comments:

  1. Hilarious and I LOVED the status updates you did at the same time as this blog post! Too funny!!!

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  2. This is hilarious! I thought of another - A tattle-tale mommy! That's me! HA HA! Like Saturday, "Eva Marie Scott Just got a bloody lip courtesy of my son!" HA HA HA!

    And I loved your status update including all of these! Classic!

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  3. You forgot the one that just constantly uploads photos via mobile phone...no status needed. Just photos. Usually of places they go, people they see, funny faces their children make, or recently, Halloween adventures.
    But anyways-- HILARIOUS

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