Monday, May 3, 2010

3:00 a.m.

It's 3:00 a.m. and my heart is heavy. My friends had to tell their baby girl goodbye. I am just utterly broken for them. God is using the vivid memory of telling my own baby goodbye to remind me, and devastate me for them. No pain is so acute. No sadness is so hard to bear. I am just praying, praying, praying for their strength. I'm praying that they will be absolutely overwhelmed and engulfed by God's presence. I remembered something from the hospital tonight. I remembered looking out the window and seeing what I can only describe as God's presence moving right by our window. I know there are these chimney kind of things outside that room, but this presence was moving in a different direction than the chimney smoke, and it was much more real. I know that might sound crazy, but it gave me peace. God was there. He was in it with us. I know He is in it with them. I was laying in bed, nursing Aspen, and just thanking God for her. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have my little promised one, and I realize that if we hadn't lost Ransom, she wouldn't be here... but part of me thinks, why not?  Why couldn't I still have my second son, and have my little girl a little later? I know the answer is simple. It wasn't God's plan. That doesn't mean the answer isn't hard. I know my son's life had infinite value. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I know I wouldn't be sitting here at 3:00 a.m. bawling my eyes out for someone else if I hadn't been sitting in this same spot, bawling my eyes out for myself. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard. I know that I haven't wasted the pain of Ransom's life and loss. I know that my friends won't waste the pain of their own baby's life and loss. I know that God has used that pain to stretch and grow me in so many ways. I know that God will use that pain to stretch and grow them in so many ways. But. it. just. hurts.

Jesus, give them strength. Thank you for allowing me to bear this burden alongside them. Let them know that they are not alone. Let them know that we have survived, and that they will survive as well. Give them confidence of the value of their little girl's life. Bind them more strongly to one another, and to You. Use their little boys to give them comfort. Don't let the enemy steal anything from them. Remind them of Your might, and Your power. Remind them that they are conquerors in You. Remind them that You have overcome death and the grave, that death has lost its power over us, that their little girl is seated in heavenly places, with You. Remind them that she was always Your baby, and that no one will ever love her as much as You do. Remind them that You know the pain of losing a child. Let them know that Your heart is broken alongside them. Be present in their grief. Draw near to the brokenhearted, as Your word says You do. Hold Your babies, this mother and father, close to Your chest. Let them kick and scream and cry, and hold them tighter through it. God, I believe You will. I believe You are who You say You are. I trust in Your character, and in the hope You bring. I thank You that joy comes with the morning. I thank You that I can comfort them with the comfort I've been given. Remember Your people right now, Lord. Remember them. Remember us. Be with us. Hold us. Remind us.


  1. "It is not for nothing that you are named Ransom," said the Voice.

    And he knew that this was no fancy of his own. He knew it for a very curious reason - because he had known for many years that his surname was derived not from ransom but from Ranolf's son. It would never have occurred to him thus to associate the two words. To connect the name Ransom with the act of ransoming would have been for him a mere pun. But even his voluble self did not now dare to suggest that the Voice was making a play upon words. All in a moment of time he perceived that what was, to human philologists, a merely accidental resemblance of two sounds, was in truth no accident.

    The whole distinction between things accidental and things designed, like the distinction between fact and myth, was purely terrestrial. The pattern is so large that within the little frame of earthly experience there appear pieces of it between which we can see no connection, and other pieces between which we can. Hence we rightly, for our sue, distinguish the accidental from the essential. But step outside that frame and the distinction drops down into the void, fluttering useless wings. He had been forced out of the frame, caught up into the larger pattern...

    "My name also is Ransom," said the Voice.

    C. S. Lewis, in Perelandra

  2. I have always wanted to ask...but hadn't...did you already have the name ransom chosen. I figure the answer is yes. Because I know you and Q. and our God.

    I have always thought our God a little curious how He ties things together in such a way that there is no denying HIS presence.

    Grateful for your son. Grateful for lessons in grief. Grateful for your love!

  3. Yes, we did have the name chosen before we knew he wouldn't be with us. :)

  4. Jennifer-my mom passed away when I was a little girl and while I still don't understand why it ever happened, I SO agree with what you said...the pain will stretch and grow them in so many ways. It does hurt, and never completely goes away but it makes you stronger as a person and stronger in your faith and trust in God. Good words Jennifer!

  5. Rebecca, I'm so sorry about your momma, but thank you for sharing. My friend Jen (Beautiful Mess), above, has lost her momma too. We are bound together in our grief and triumph.

  6. Jennifer- I know we have never met although I go to GCA too, and I follow you and some other ladies' blogs after starting to follow Eva's a few months back. Anyhow I just wanted to say I love your honesty and vulnerability on your blog. Thanks for always sharing what's on you heart.
    Just like Rebecca, I also lost my mom when I was little-3 years old. Losing a loved one, especially a family member hurts a lot. I experienced the death of a friend yesterday, but the death of a family member is a very hard thing.
    The hardest part for me is not knowing why as well. I trust our Savior to know what He is doing though. And what's cool for me is to think about how God knows exactly our pain and grief as He watched HIS CHILD suffer and die.
    He will do amazing things through your story, as I am sure He already has. Again, thanks for sharing your heart.

  7. Love you and your family. I'm blessed by your story. Through your son's life and home coming I have learned so much. I found out I was pregnant with Zeke right when he went home and people asked me if I was scared now for my baby and I wasn't. Seeing you and Q live threw this and clinging to out creator made me relize that I am NOT in control of this. I had to trust God that no matter what was going to happen He's God and I'm not! He gives and takes away. I love you so much.